This healing process required me to confront of some murky ordeals I experienced as a single in the church. Unpacking is messy and painful, but it’s worth the freedom it brings. I could no longer allow my past to dictate my future; therefore, I faced some painful truths and owned my part.

Raised in church, I was conditioned to believe God and ministry were synonymous. As a single, I repeatedly heard scriptures denouncing sexual immortality and devoting all my time to the ministry. With the emphasis placed on these areas, I believe leaders thought ministry would serve as a Chastity Belt against fornication. Singles’ commitment to ministry provided a two-fold benefit: occupy singles’ time to prevent fornication and staff the ministry with workers.

In a sincere desire to please God, ministry became my #1 priority. I volunteered 50+ hours weekly, worked a full time job, and raised my son. Late nights, weekends, vacation days, and occasional holidays were dedicated to ministry. I ran pillar to post, attending every church service, meeting, and event. Sometimes, I worked 12-hour days performing my ministry duty as a single. This frantic schedule continued for years.

Honestly, I believed I was doing God’s will; but in retrospect, I sought leadership’s affirmation and approval. With the lure of ministry advancement, I attempted to prove my loyalty and worth. I lost my voice and lived a puppet’s life on strings. Without question, I followed whatever direction my strings were pulled. My vulnerabilities and insecurities were used as bait to imprison me in a man-made, self-serving ideology. Unfortunately, my loyalty kept me in situations that commons sense should’ve removed me.

Eventually, my hectic schedule took a physical and mental toll; the constant exhaustion and stress caused multiple health issues. A few times, I was too ill to attend church; those sabbaticals provided time for self-reflection. My life was imbalanced and my priorities misplaced. I neglected family, friendships suffered, and personal responsibilities were abandoned. I lost my identity as a woman, mother, and individual.

Cutting the strings was difficult and painful; choosing myself felt like betrayal. I wasn’t sure I could survive without the strings. I thought ministry was the only resource for my future. Conflicted with guilt and agony, I needed a resolve. Walking away wasn’t as easy as it seems; but, after months of counseling, I found the courage and peace.

I learned a valuable lesson, at a great cost. This pandemic revealed what matters most. Yes, I miss the fellowships and in-person church services; however, attending multiple services doesn’t demonstrate my authentic commitment to Christ. My foundation is in God, and honoring Him is tending to the responsibilities He entrusted in my care.

I harbor no ill feelings regarding my ministry experiences. God uses everything for good. Furthermore, my blog isn’t to negate the good things in ministry; it is to offer insight to those who may struggle with balance and authentic motives in ministry. I am appreciative of the knowledge gained in ministry, but I regret the abandonment of myself and family.

Had I not walked through those experiences, I wouldn’t know how courageous I am. I’m taking one step forward, at a time. Learning to trust myself as I commit to new things; and, ensuring I don’t lose sight of what matters. As a single, I can honor God with proper priorities and a balanced life.

God

Family/Self

Occupation

Ministry

When you know better, you SOAR HIGHER!