Not too long ago Megan Markel made the simple question, ‘Are You OK?” monumental. She stressed that when most people observe strong, famous, or financial stable individuals, they never consider asking if they are ok. They assume everything is perfectly fine in their high profile world of strength and stability. But everyone needs someone to sincerely ask, “Are you ok?”

Checking on your strong, creative, and well-known friends is essential. The outer aspects of their life doesn’t necessary parallel to their private life. Sometimes those strong friends aren’t ok, and require a safe place to uncover their weaknesses. Jamal Bryant said, “A liability of being strong is that others can’t handle when you’re weak.” Anyone in a high profile leading position has a private world of chaos and pain. Think about a few people you admire and observe doing great things. Have you sincerely asked if they are OK? Ask yourself if you can handle the harsh reality of their seemingly successful lives. The spotlight is not always grand and glitz- a hefty price comes with success.

As a caregiver to my 96 year old grandmother, I am rarely asked if I’m ok. Instead I’m asked, “How’s your grandmother?” At a recent event, a friend asked, “Was it too much for your Grandmother to make it to the event?” In actuality, it was too much for ME to bring my Grandmother. It never occurred to them to ask if I was OK; it was assumed my Grandmother was the weaker, worn and stressed one, while I was fine. I wanted to respond, “All she has to do is sit and smile, while I do all the work.” Their lack of understanding prompted them to only ask about the wellbeing of the seemingly weaker person, rather than the tired, stressed strong one.

There are Super Heroes among us, and they need to know they can share their weaknesses safely. Become their softness to a hard day or their serenity to a frustrating situation. Not only will it provided insight for you, but a safe place for Superman to become Clark Kent.

Keep Soaring, Keep Believing & most of all -keep asking, “Are you ok?”

Footnote: I don’t despise my past, it has made me who I am today. I am grateful for every experience, because it was an opportunity for growth. Every experience was either a blessing or a lesson learned. I win either way! Keep Soaring!

This healing process required me to confront of some murky ordeals I experienced as a single in the church. Unpacking is messy and painful, but it’s worth the freedom it brings. I could no longer allow my past to dictate my future; therefore, I faced some painful truths and owned my part.

Raised in church, I was conditioned to believe God and ministry were synonymous. As a single, I repeatedly heard scriptures denouncing sexual immortality and devoting all my time to the ministry. With the emphasis placed on these areas, I believe leaders thought ministry would serve as a Chastity Belt against fornication. Singles’ commitment to ministry provided a two-fold benefit: occupy singles’ time to prevent fornication and staff the ministry with workers.

In a sincere desire to please God, ministry became my #1 priority. I volunteered 50+ hours weekly, worked a full time job, and raised my son. Late nights, weekends, vacation days, and occasional holidays were dedicated to ministry. I ran pillar to post, attending every church service, meeting, and event. Sometimes, I worked 12-hour days performing my ministry duty as a single. This frantic schedule continued for years.

Honestly, I believed I was doing God’s will; but in retrospect, I sought leadership’s affirmation and approval. With the lure of ministry advancement, I attempted to prove my loyalty and worth. I lost my voice and lived a puppet’s life on strings. Without question, I followed whatever direction my strings were pulled. My vulnerabilities and insecurities were used as bait to imprison me in a man-made, self-serving ideology. Unfortunately, my loyalty kept me in situations that commons sense should’ve removed me.

Eventually, my hectic schedule took a physical and mental toll; the constant exhaustion and stress caused multiple health issues. A few times, I was too ill to attend church; those sabbaticals provided time for self-reflection. My life was imbalanced and my priorities misplaced. I neglected family, friendships suffered, and personal responsibilities were abandoned. I lost my identity as a woman, mother, and individual.

Cutting the strings was difficult and painful; choosing myself felt like betrayal. I wasn’t sure I could survive without the strings. I thought ministry was the only resource for my future. Conflicted with guilt and agony, I needed a resolve. Walking away wasn’t as easy as it seems; but, after months of counseling, I found the courage and peace.

I learned a valuable lesson, at a great cost. This pandemic revealed what matters most. Yes, I miss the fellowships and in-person church services; however, attending multiple services doesn’t demonstrate my authentic commitment to Christ. My foundation is in God, and honoring Him is tending to the responsibilities He entrusted in my care.

I harbor no ill feelings regarding my ministry experiences. God uses everything for good. Furthermore, my blog isn’t to negate the good things in ministry; it is to offer insight to those who may struggle with balance and authentic motives in ministry. I am appreciative of the knowledge gained in ministry, but I regret the abandonment of myself and family.

Had I not walked through those experiences, I wouldn’t know how courageous I am. I’m taking one step forward, at a time. Learning to trust myself as I commit to new things; and, ensuring I don’t lose sight of what matters. As a single, I can honor God with proper priorities and a balanced life.

God

Family/Self

Occupation

Ministry

When you know better, you SOAR HIGHER!

While unpacking my past, I reflected on my beliefs regarding marriage. I concluded I’d esteemed marriage highly. Seeking this status consumed most of my thoughts throughout my 30’s and 40’s. I paused & asked myself, “Why do I idolized my marital status?” This heart-search was gut-wrenching; I was shocked and embarrassed of the conclusions.

Since a child, marriage was indoctrinated into my thought patterns and largely influenced by religious guidelines. Years of routine repetition created a focused pursuit of this priceless achievement. When relationships fizzled, I felt defeated in my pursuit. The experiences and labels in the church arena fueled my belief that singlehood was an inferior status.

When labeled as “UNMARRIED,” I cringed. The “UN” prefix implies singles are NOT or lacking. The negative connotation unconsciously reinforces rejection of a married status. It discredits the fact everyone was born single (except Eve, of course) and glorifies the alternative. In many cases, this label creates a separation of classes, with the single status seeming inferior. Unfortunately, I lived my own Cinderella experiences supporting this inaccurate label.

On one occurrence, the ‘unmarried’ church members were granted access to attend a couples’ Valentine’s Day event. The ‘unmarried’ dressed in servant’s attire, while the nobles – oops… married dressed in fine linens & diamonds. The ‘unmarried step-members’ served, entertained and cleaned, while the elites enjoyed an lovely evening of dining and entertainment. This experience was degrading and unknowingly fortified my feelings as an outcast, unmarried member.

Another time, the couples planned a theater night to see Tyler Perry’s movie, ‘Temptation’. They received discounted group pricing and I requested a ticket to take advantage of the great price. The gasp of my request echoed in the vestibule and I was immediately chastened. PLEASE NOTE: I was 40 years old! Later, I received a call from a “concerned” church leader detailing how my flesh would be tempted to sin and they didn’t want the liability of my great fall into sexual promiscuity. Flabbergasted, this sinful peasant was rejected again – although I was 40 and fully capable of doing… Nevermind! Nevertheless, this encounter and countless others impacted my obsession to belong to the affiliation of marriage. And ultimately I idolized the status in my heart.

When I realized I’d exalted my marital status as an idol, I was embarrassed. I sobbed to God, because I’d replaced Him for a label. My pain compelled me to share my revelation and truth. And, honestly I struggled sharing this because I feared the judgment, and criticism; but, releasing my truth healed something in me I didn’t know existed. I take ownership of my role in believing I was subpar or second-class because of my single status. And although I still desire marriage, my motives have changed.

I share my truths in hopes of helping someone who may be influenced by the same misinformation. Living single isn’t an inferior class and marriage isn’t a validation of worth. Singles bring value to the church arena and to the table. I’m free and living my single life like it’s GOLDEN & you can too! Let’s Soar Together!

Jamal Miller said, “Suppression is the biggest oppression.  There is a need to unmask hidden traumas in order to heal.”  

Throughout my life, I suppressed a lot of traumatic events because I didn’t want to cause trouble or burden others. In doing so, I neglected my emotional and mental health. Years of gunny-sacking and suppressing birthed a system of self-oppression.  I harshly judged myself and permitted the suppression of my traumas to control and oppress me.  

I’d always felt the “need” to convince people that I’m genuine and trustworthy. I went over and beyond trying to prove my integrity, even when I didn’t need to. I attempted to validate my worthiness of others’ trust and loyalty because I longed for approval and acceptance. As the traumas piled up, I became internally ultra sensitive. I cared more about what others thought than what I thought of myself. In addition, I maintained toxic relationships because they gave me a sense of belonging.

As a child, I didn’t have a safe sense of belonging. I was consistently taunted that my race was White and I didn’t belong to my family. My skin wasn’t dark enough and my hair wasn’t kinky enough to be Black. Ultimately, I believed my “real family” gave me away. And although I suppressed those feelings, they oppressed me more than I knew.  I lacked self-value and retained guilt that didn’t belong to me.

As the years went by, I lacked the capacity to deal with betrayals, so suppression became my antidote. The betrayal of a family member and friend during my marriage was crippling- so I stuffed it. I packed down the heartbreak of my divorce, homelessness, loss of my Mom, unemployment, molestation and abusive relationships year after year. My low esteem, lack of self-trust and self-worth ultimately developed an addiction of proving my loyalty and worth. Betrayals and trauma held Checkmate over my life… 

In a need to prove my worth, I consistently betrayed myself by accepting misuse and toxicity as a way of showing my authentic loyalty to relationships.  I cared more about making others feel secure than myself.  I gunny-sacked my feelings and exploded when it built up. People didn’t understand my “rash” explosion because I’d accepted their dishes of betrayal for so long. Eventually, I’d apologize, take the blame and never allowed them to share the burden of the trauma they caused to me. Living in this damaging cycle became overwhelming. And one day I saw this quote:  

” The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think.” D. Icke

It stopped my world! Where was my self-love and self loyalty?

I found affirmations to decree and reprogram my mind to change my self-perception. I was born with Queen Status. During the traumas of life, I’d buried my crown and forgotten God’s Words. Experiences don’t define my identity or worth- I was crowned with Queen Status the moment He breathed life into me. I consistently remind myself I don’t need to validate my worth to anyone, especially when embracing new things. It’s freeing to know with certainty that I bring something valuable to the table!

Unpacking this suitcase was difficult; however accepting my Queen Status is liberating. I’m saying: Checkmate to my Past- Now watch me Soar!! 

Growing up, I was taught, “What happens in this house, stays in this house.” This house rule was reinforced repeatedly; consequently, I learned to keep secrets at a very young age. I established a solid foundation of hoarding secrets and maintaining strict loyalty to them. Understandably, my family reinforced this rule because it was handed down to them. However, at the age of 6, I didn’t know the difference between which secrets were meant to keep and which to tell. My lack of understanding led to the first secret I should have told…

I started kindergarten late because my birthday is in December. Moma drove me to school in the mornings, and a church friend’s daughter, BC, walked me home. One day I got into a fight with the school bully. As BC and I walked home, I begged her not tell my mom about the fight. I didn’t want to be in trouble. After some time, she finally conceded, but only if I kept her secret too. I readily agreed and she took me to an alley to share her secret.

From the alley, I could see my grandmother’s house, our church and the corner laundromat. Safe places were in my sight, but beyond my reach. She shh’d me as she pulled my pants down and touch my “sweet-pot”. Tears streamed down my face and wet my school clothes as I stood and promised to keep her secret safe. Within an hour, I traded a bully for a molester. The secret alley visits went on for months, all the while I faced my secret keeper every Sunday at church. Stifled and ashamed, I maintained my loyalty to her secret for 25+ years- all because I was taught to keep a secret…

Today, I open my secret bag of the past, not to expose anyone, but rather as a healing process for me and others. Harboring deep-seated secrets is tormenting. They kill, rot emotional growth and terminate transparency. Secrets create rocky foundations for gunny-sacking and repeated cycles of indiscretions. Because of the traumas sustained, I sought affirmation, safety and trust in the wrong places. Scoundrels used opened opportunities to manipulate and ab-use; however, I’ve unpacked the secret bags and freed myself from the bondage of loyalty to them.

I pray my story motivates you to unpack the secrets of the past and soar to heights unknown.