I am a mother of a 26 year old African American son.

My soul wails for my son, father, brothers and EVERY African American Male. My heart can’t bear the pain of the senseless brutality and murders of our Black Men. It sickens me; it pisses me off and it strikes fear in my heart.  I want to walk in denial and block out the news of the tormented death of ANOTHER Black Man. I want to scream out the injustice of it all and ball my fists at those who defend the injustice. God, help me – help US!!  Why can’t they see beyond your beautiful glistening skin?

The beauty of your skin ignites us…. its sweet smooth caramel, silky dark chocolate and every shade in between is envied. From the shiny waves, kinky dreads to the full lips and strong jawline… you are beautiful. The protruding veins in your arms and hands portray your determination, hard work and strength.

The bulge of your Adam’s apple, the crumbled hair on your chest and the prominence of your strong calves are God’s divine creation of you. Our ears listen for your witty humor and intellectual whispers. We love the way your vein throbs on the side of your head as you contemplate the conundrums on your mind or your broad smile when your sweet soul is jovial. We want others to see you through our lens: an alluring specimen made in the image of God.  Not perfect or without flaws… just a Beautiful Black Man striving for equal opportunities and the pursuit of happiness.

Beautiful Black Man – we love you! We have your back! We pray and cry for you.  Despite the stereotypes set, we see your intelligence, your strength and beauty. You are the backbone to our community and we NEED you. We admire your drive, dreams and goals. You are our protection, wisdom for future generations and the epitome of Divine greatness. Our Heroes!!

We pray for your fair chance at life, so you don’t have to consider other dark alternatives. We pray you are able to walk, jog or drive without the clutching of purses and clicking of locked doors.  For others to see you are human…not a threat. Underneath your beautiful black skin, you are the same: God simply chose to clothe you in a magnificent colorful external layer.

Beautiful Black Man – daily we fear for your life. Not because we don’t trust God – because of the systematic racism and injustice of this country. Our womanly instincts rise to fight for what we value so much; for you, Sir, are the pride and joy of our hearts! We care and we are here… as your advocate, your supporter, your place of rest and your prayer warrior!  We don’t dishonor what you can do – we want to remind you with all certainty – we are in your corner!

We worry; consequently we make this simple plea – please call/text us upon arrival at your destination. We aren’t  invading your privacy – we are praying for your safety and peace. We are interceding for your potential, power and YOUR FUTURE.

I am a mother of a 26 year old African American son.

Every morning I am that mother, wife, sister, aunt, cousin that breathes a sigh of relief and gratitude when I hear the deep voice of the Beautiful Black Man I love so dearly…

Like most people, my identity was based on a role, title or job. I identified myself based on what I was told, what I was called and who I’d proven myself to be.  I measured my worth based on the opinions, labels and stereotypes set by others.  It shaped my perception of what was considered good, bad, beautiful, fashionable and so forth.  The labels formed my thought-patterns and self-talk. They stuck to me, like those big orange ‘No Parking Violation” stickers, with thick adhesive: 

When I tried to detach the labels from my identity, I was left with a sticky, messy residue on my windshield of life.  Residue lingered from the childhood molestation, toxic relationships and false identities.  Over the years, my identification became a breeding ground for abuse (abnormal use) and negativity. I allowed every opinion to stick to me.  

I was too light, too dark, too fat, too short, too mean, too sensitive – I ate the bitter crumbs of day-old bread. I took to heart the words of flawed people and fell under the spell of manipulation: giving away more of myself than what was deserved. I shouldered offenses and responsibilities that weren’t mines to bear.  My fear of abandonment caused me to compromise my uniqueness and cling to dysfunctional friendships for years.  Sadly,  I muted my inner voice that spoke truth. My need to belong became more powerful than truth.

In some situations, people saw my physical external features as an indication that my internal emotional being was great. It was hard to believe that I could suffer from low self-esteem. Quick observations deemed me as snobby, high maintenance, competition and a threat; but what I craved was friendship, conversation or mentor-ship.  My insecurities and inadequacies were dismissed; which fueled my fears of rejection. 

I appeared strong outwardly, but the betrayal committed under the veil of friendship rocked me. Conundrums made it seem like I could defend myself; but the truth was – I needed defending.  I walked around like an emotional bag of mixed marbles because I knew what others didn’t know about me: I was broken. 

Who was I beneath the superficial personas and ideologies? With those stripped away, I had to dig deep to find out. My true identity was buried beneath a junkyard of lies.  Like a lighthouse in the dark, Truth beckoned me to keep digging through the rocky and hard layers. I was searching for my voice, my validation and my victory. It was a muddy mess of self-hatred and denial; but I kept plowing until I hit gold! 

At first it was hard to recognize God’s treasured possession (Deut 14:2b); there were so many broken pieces and sharp edges mixed in the rubbish. Underneath the soil of life, I discovered my buried treasures of potential and opportunities.  There were Divine deposits of talents, gifts and callings. It’s not that I wasn’t valuable, I’d just dumped trash on the buried treasures. As I discovered the beautiful gems of myself, my voice of truth spoke louder. 

I learned not to put the WHOLE of my identity into the smallness of situations: some situations just aren’t defining moments of my identity. Moments shift, people are fickle and everything just isn’t what it appears to be.  I spoke words of love and affirmation; decreeing WHOLENESS over my life and identity. Some days were successful and others weren’t – but I never stopped. It is my daily practice. 

Each day I wake up with another chance to discover all God has placed inside of me.  Each season brings a revelation of new treasures and the opportunity to rediscovery my true identity. Beneath all the junk lies a chest of hidden and buried treasures.

I implore you to dig with me and let’s crown ourselves with our true Royal identities and worth. 

 

 

 

 

My husband and I were in the midst of a separation. I was hurt and broken, but decided to attend Sunday Service. I arrived late and crept to a seat in the back to avoid being noticed, but it was futile.  The stares and whispers made me shrink into the cushioned bench. I was definitely leaving before the benediction. As service drew to a close, I gathered my personal items and looked around for my quick escape. Before I could get up, I heard my name boom over the mic.  I debated making a run for the exit, but I knew that would only add fuel to the fire.  Reluctantly and red-faced, I walked down front.

I stood with my back to the congregation, but I could feel every eye gawking at me. There was an awkward silence lingering in the packed sanctuary. I didn’t look up and prayed nobody laid hands on me. With my head bowed, I endured the open mic prayer that seemed to last forever. I bolted toward the wooden double doors as soon as the word “Amen” was uttered.  Angry, hurt and embarrassed, I ran to the parking lot. My hot tears blinded me as I searched for my car. I couldn’t breathe; I was lost! “God help me!!” I needed to get away – from everything and everybody: the church, people and God.

Five years went by fast.  I’d buried my pain deep in the pit of my soul and moved on with my life. Detached from family and friends, I moved in with my my new man, even though I was still married. I was done with the “good girl” image and living my life – happy and free… well, except at night, when I couldn’t sleep. Awake in the late hours of the night, I would death-stare at my man, while he slept like a baby. He could fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. I envied his ability to rest. It annoyed and angered me: The nerve of him to sleep while I’m wide awake.

I was easily agitated and my self-esteem shaky. Reeling from the failure of my marriage, I often wondered, “Why wasn’t I good enough to keep my marriage together?” All my pent up emotions and hostility began boiling over. I was paranoid, anxious and on the edge of a complete emotional breakdown.  At times screaming at the tops of my lungs: “I just wanted some peace!!!” The heartache was overwhelming and I was losing my grip. Then I got dumped… because I was too fat.  Depression gripped and swaddled me like a newborn. I felt abandoned, unattractive and undesirable. Nobody. Wanted. Me. I’d alienated my friends and felt so alone.

To make matters worse, I needed a car. I hadn’t prayed in years, but I made a deal with God: “If you let me get a car, I will attend ONE service.”  Driving off the dealership lot, I contemplated keeping my end of the deal.  I guess I could go to one service – but I was NOT going back to that last church.  I walked into the service, determined not to engage – I was here ONLY to keep my end of the bargain.

The worship was alive and melted my walls of armor. Tears streamed down my face….it felt like fresh cleansing rain… my hands were in the air and before I knew it, I was walking to the altar in surrender.  This was what I’d been longing for. Sorrow and guilt drained from my pores as the woman intensely prayed for me. Snot dripped and my hair matted to my face while I cried tears of relief and anguish.  This strange woman wrapped me in her arms and rocked me into a state of peace.

Through that experience, I discovered no matter how far we run or fall, God’s love never ceases.  “The overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God: It chases me down; fights until I’m found. There’s no wall He won’t knock down [and] no mountain He won’t climb up, coming after me!” Who can comprehend the length, width, height or depth of His love?

In this time of  distancing, we must remain attached to God. We may feel isolated, but God is present. He is covering us with His mercy and grace.  And He will never give up on us, even when we give up on Him.  He is always waiting with everlasting love and open arms.

 

 

 

 

Rrrrrinnnng, Rrrriinnnnnng…..the phone rang 7 times; “Where is she?” I hung up and dialed again. “Hello,” an unfamiliar voice answered. “Hi, may I please speak with Ms. Johnson; this is her daughter?” There was a long pause, then “She’s with the doctor right now; I’ll let her know you called.” An hour later…my 10 year old brother, 3 year old sister and I were told our mom passed away.  Stunned to silence, I realized I’d called the hospital while Mom was transitioning. May 18, 1986 – a day I will never forget. At the tender age of 14, my entire world collapsed…

Five days earlier, Mom called me to her bedroom. As I crossed the threshold, I immediately sensed worry, uneasiness and fear. Lying in her bed, I nestled close to feel the warmness of her love and embrace. In an unstable voice, Mom informed me she wasn’t feeling well and my uncle was on his way to take her to the hospital. She cupped my face in her warm soft hands and tried to reassure me everything would be fine, but I saw the fear in her eyes. I cried and laid my head in her throbbing bosom; the familiar aroma of her perfume filled my nostrils and provided a moment of comfort. As an infant, her bosom was my source of life-support, and then, as if summoned on queue, her bosom purposed as my of solace and security.

Mom’s sweet and calming words of wisdom advised me to protect and care for my younger siblings, while she was away. Love them unconditionally, lead by example and support them untiringly was my mission. Unbeknownst to me, Mom extended me the rites of passage into surrogate motherhood that day. She cuddled me and  whispered motherly comforts of love and pride. For those few minutes, we enjoyed a mother and daughter moment I will never forget. As we stretched across her queen-sized bed, neither of us knew this would be our last time together at home as a family. An unexpected visitor was in route to our doorsteps.

The ride to my grandmother’s home seem to take forever.  Nobody spoke; even my lil sister who we nicknamed “Radio” was quiet – there was nothing to say. When we finally arrived, there was a sea of cars and so many people.  I seemed to fade away into the crowd. Numb and in disbelief, I had no tears, no words…..nothing. Everything was a blur. I could hear Delise Catron mumbling, “Let it go. You can’t hold it inside; it’s not good for you.” But, I couldn’t feel anything; I was paralyzed.

Grief gripped the depths of my soul. Questions swirled: “Why MY Mom?” “How am I supposed to help my younger siblings, I’m only 14?” “This is so unfair; God how could you let this happen?” “I will never survive without my Mom.” I was tortured mostly at night, because I had to be strong for my siblings during the day. In bed with tears streaming, I felt the presence of an unexpected visitor creep into my room. Fear gripped me and I cried harder… “Noooo!!”

The visitor eased upon me and wrapped me in its arms.  As I purged every tormented feeling inside of me, feelings of comfort and fortitude enveloped me.  Interceding on my behalf, the visitor cradled me with peace, love and support. My fears were replaced with hope. I didn’t know how we would survive, but the three of us had a future to embrace. We aspired to make our Mom proud. God, in His infinite wisdom, equipped the three of us with everything good for His will and Glory. (Jer 29:11 & Heb 13:21) 

I share my experience because many have witnessed the death of close loved ones during this Covid-19 pandemic. Life will never be the same, but there is hope and a future. We can survive and not hate the experiences that shaped us. My siblings are both smart and successful. And I completed my mission! My love and pride for my siblings is boundless.  

As Mother’s Day and the 34th anniversary of Mom’s death approaches, I vow to accumulate the positive memories of our time together. We can make it during this time of uncertainty and grief; there is an unexpected visitor, The Comforter, to guide us through it all. 

There have been so many times I wanted to give up  

• • • • • • My mom’s unexpected death
          • My separation, then divorce
          • My homeless eight months with a 6 year child
          • Two years without a job
          • Poverty-stricken enough to steal toilet tissue

Those are just a few, but there have been plenty more. When I reflect, I didn’t think I would make it through those times. I couldn’t see a way out and didn’t know if I would ever see the other side of each situation. However, even when I wanted to give up, God preserved me! His preordained purpose for my life prevailed over every dark, low moment.  

And now, with the complexity of COVID-19 infected my daily routines. I feel overwhelmed, anxious and out of control. Lying awake at night with tears streaming down my face, I ponder, ‘Will life ever be normal again’, ‘why is this happening’, ‘will I survive’, ‘when will it end.’ I ask the questions that most Christians wouldn’t dare utter, for the fear of being perceived without faith in God. Yet, I find comfort because God already knows my weaknesses and deficiencies. He’s seen me at my worst and yet, He enabled me to overcome every dismal situation. So even though my thoughts and feelings are all over the place, I trust Him. I have prior experience in His ability to sustained me through every conundrum I could ever face.   

There were so many times I wanted to give up, but purpose prevail. Through every chaotic moment, hardship and perplexity, GOD PRESERVED ME! God’s purpose prevailed over my fears, fatigue and famine.  And one day, soon, I’ll reflect on this time of COVID-19 and witness God’s prevailing purpose on my life.  

Take a stand with me and let’s refuse to define our journeys by the low and dark parts, but rather by the Prevailing God of our lives! Even in this, God’s process and purpose is at work. He will preserve what He put inside of us and His Purpose will Prevail. Continue to ask those questions, but always remember there is a promise of victory in Isaiah 43!

 

 

 

 

 

“Let Truth correct the errors of my mind,” this quote struck a deep cord in my spirit. What a powerful affirmation! How many times do we allow false, undocumented thoughts to flow freely through our minds?  We don’t stop and take the time to challenge if our thoughts are based in truth, emotions or opinions.  We permit thoughts to roam freely & possibly cause undue emotional distress and anxiety. With thoughts freely roaming our minds, controlling our thoughts, behaviors and ultimately our beliefs, we become bondage to whatever decides to take up residence.  In that moment, that quote became my declaration for the latter of this year. I will only allow Truth to reside and guide my thoughts, emotions, behavior and beliefs. ONLY TRUTH- but what is Truth?

In John 14:6, Jesus said, I am the Way, THE TRUTH, and the Light. By following Truth, we find our way and the light to our thought pathways.  Philippians 4, encourages what to think on: things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely and good. I took the challenge and began focusing on the things about me that are TRUE. From my relationships to the inner criticisms of myself. I asked myself questions: “Is this really who you are or is that someone else’s opinion? Does this relationship add or take away from you?” Getting to my true authentic self is challenging, but I affirm often and out loud – “Let TRUTH correct the errors of my mind!”  As Truth corrects, freedom blossoms, because in Truth, there is freedom.

Freedom IS the byproduct of TRUTH! We can be FREE FROM those false, undocumented thoughts and be FREE TO unlimited possibilities of who we truly are.  Make that quote your declaration and LET FREEDOM RING so you can BE FREE AT LAST in your thoughts, emotions, behaviors and beliefs. By relying on the Way, TRUTH, and the Light, you are guaranteed to be FREE & FREE INDEED!

Until next time, 

The past few weeks I’ve gone through some rough/dark times with a physical aliment. My perspective focused on how things didn’t go my way and how others’ decisions impacted me.  My perspective of how wrong “they” did me consumed my thoughts, feelings and disposition. I had crying fits and angry outbursts in response to things not going my way. I simply couldn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayers the way I thought He should. “I lost and “they” won,” is what I told myself as I sank into pity on my couch. 

With tears streaming down my face, overwhelmed with my situation, I heard God speak, “You’re so ungrateful.” Confused and dumbfounded, I cried harder – this time with repentance. God said, “You have a roof over your head, clothes, electricity and the support of family and friends.”  In that moment, God crushed what I thought was a mountain into a molehill, with a simple change of perspective: Gratitude.

When we go through rough/dark times, it is so easy to focus on the negative instead of the positive. Yes, “their” decisions limited me in ONE capacity AND it also provided opportunities.  Opportunities I mostly likely wouldn’t have taken without “their” decisions. I couldn’t see the opportunities from a defeated disposition though. Instead of trusting in Christ, I allowed discouragement to have free range. I’m not saying we can’t have our moments of feeling overwhelmed, however we must change our perspective into gratitude. When we praise God with gratitude, then we can clearly see how He will crush the mountains of life to a molehill that we can conquer.  

Today, I’m still dealing with the temporary physical aliment and “their” decisions still remain enforced, BUT I’m blessed. Blessed to have family and friends to call to encourage and speak hard truths to me. I know life can be inundated with conundrums, nevertheless we all have things to be grateful for. Don’t allow the mountains to block your Gratitude Perspective. Our God is able! 

Sometimes the things I see in my everyday life don’t match what I’m believing God for.  I wonder if I’ll ever see the manifestation of the God-promised dreams and desires of my heart. Then God sends His Word to remind me to Rise Again. 

In John 11, Lazarus was buried and bound, while waiting for the Savior’s healing. Senses of logic and emotions, indicated a permanent end. His family sealed him in a cave, behind a rock; but the Word (Jesus) penetrated the seal of defeat & demise! Lazarus HEARD the Word (Jesus), rose & came forth. Can you hear the Word? It’s speaking for us to Rise Again.

On this Resurrection Weekend, we commemorate & celebrate our Risen Savior.  Because He is Risen, we too can RISE again. Don’t let what you SEE override what you HEARD in the Spirit. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Don’t give up. Don’t give in to the senses of logic and emotions –  those indicate failure.  Rise above it and fight with the Word you HEARD. Speak it, despite what you SEE. Believe it, despite what you feel. You will RISE AGAIN to see the manifestation of what God has spoken. 

 

 

 

 

 

With discouragement and the lies of the enemy chasing me, I felt overwhelmed and insufficient. However today, I was reminded I’m safe in Him (the Almighty God)!

When the enemy roars in my ear, I remember my God is greater and more powerful. When the enemy reminds me of my past mistakes, I remind him of his defeated future. When words of defeat threaten my confidence, I recall that my confidence carries a great recompense of reward. When anxiety breaches my peace, my supplication and prayers to God provide a peace that surpasses any understanding.

I’m SAFE! Safe in Him! Safe in His arms. No threat, no roar and no problem can change that truth. In Him I find the serenity to embrace the things I can’t change and the courage to do His Will. With knowing I’m safe in Him, I can release anxiety, manipulation and depression from my life. In His safety, I’m free to live, move and exist – for with God nothing is impossible! 

 

Some days fear gets the best of me and I coward out of doing things I know I should just do.  My mind comes up with the most ridiculous scenarios, then my emotions get invited to the party and I’m left as a tangled mess of fear and anxiety. By the end, I’ve talked myself out of whatever it was I really wanted to do and I’m stuck in the same place.

But sometimes you just have to do it – even if you do it afraid. Change your self-talk to words of positivity and affirmation. Then take the leap – trusting that if God told you to do it – there will be a net at the bottom. What if someone has an opinion – AND???? When you are taking a leap of faith, God’s opinion is the only one that matters!

The funny thing is, many times after I’ve taken the leap, I looked back and laughed, wondering what I was afraid of.  It wasn’t as bad as I’d hyped up myself to believe. All the crazy scenarios never came true and people weren’t even remotely thinking about me. I’d worked myself into a tangled tizzy for nothing! I needed to let my faith be bigger than my fear.

In the Bible, four lepers were on the verge of staving to death while sitting at the city’s gate. They reasoned between themselves that death was imminent so why not take a chance to find food at the enemies’ camp. They walked into a deserted camp filled with food and riches.  Their leap of faith not only lead them to an abundance, but scattered the enemy of God’s people. Not only were the four lepers rewarded for their faith, but the people of God benefited as well. This passage is a great reminder that if we walk by faith, we will receive the reward God has for us. 

So the next time you face a fear, JUST DO IT! Your choice to take a leap could not only make a difference in your life, but others as well. JUST DO IT – Your obedience of faith will reap a reward!