During a recent Zoom Meeting, the host played a video. Initially, excitement filled my thoughts; however, the more the video played, the more anxiety I experienced. By the end, I was overcome with emotions of terror and sadness. The video components triggered a past traumatic experience I thought I was over. Throughout the remainder of the meeting, I was unable to fully engage: fear had captured my focus. It felt like a past cycle was repeating and unfolding. It looked the same, felt the same and it transported back to me the original tragedy.

Frozen in a time capsule, emotions overwhelmed me and I cried uncontrollably, unable to speak coherently or breathe. I couldn’t process the tsunami of emotions and dread gripped my heart fist-tight. “Did I fall for it again? Was the same thing about to happen?”  Everyone was smiling… but I succumbed to the wave of emotions and allowed them to take me under. 

Unable to rebound, I reached out to wise counsel.  They advised me to unpack the weighted bags of past because I couldn’t move forward weighted down. But, how could I let go? “My” bags carried sentimental value for the erected images of my past. With patience and love, my advisor helped me to unload a few bags. I reminisced of past good times and smiled. As I continued to unpacked, my smile faded and tears of pain and heartbreak gushed. I felt like a betrayer while sharing the confidential secrets of my bags’ contents.  I’d held these erected images dear to my heart for so long, how could I betray my loyalty to “my” bags?

My advisor clarified the loyalty I owed was to my FUTURE SELF. Finally, I released and purged my soul, but apprehension loomed: how could I trust I wasn’t repeating the same tragic cycle? My confidant reminded me character and integrity makes the difference in the foundation of each experience. Was it fair to make a judgement based on the exterior package? Was I going to allow my future to suffer from my past or would I give “the new” a chance to prove worthy of my trust? The lease expired and the rental space of my past traumas required eviction from my heart, mind and emotions!

Romans 13:8 states, “Owe nothing to anyone, but love…” I’m grateful for the lessons of my past, but I owe NO loyalty to it. My future is NOT indebted to past traumas, mistakes or toxic people. We have parted ways in love and distance.

I simply can’t soar weighted down, so in the words of Erykah Badu, “Pack Light!”

I’m embracing a new awareness: “It’s my time & It’s my turn”. As a person who typically plays the supportive role, I realized it’s my time and it’s my turn. The issue is I’m most comfortable in the role of supporting others in the game of life. I have no qualms with cheering loved ones and encouraging them to pursue their dreams and passions. However, my playing second fiddle isn’t all God called me to be. Yes, it makes my heart glad to sow my talents, time and finances into others, but it’s not okay for me to smother my own dreams and desires, just because I feel safe in the background.  

Playing safe and rallying from the sidelines as others run the ball down the field to pursue new endeavors is second nature to me. I love listening and encouraging loved ones to overcome challenges while in pursuit of the goal line- while I remain in the safe zone of my own life. Recently, during a conversation with a close friend, I realized that I’d embraced the background mentality as normal and acceptable. My supportive nature keeps me in the shadows.  And over the years, I’ve prayed about various aspirations, but if presented to me right now, would I readily welcome the blessing/opportunity? Or would I hesitate and backup into my safe space?  I don’t want to miss what it’s store for me because I prefer to wave the poms poms from the sidelines. I’ve played the position of safety for too long- it’s my time and it’s my turn.

I’m embracing this new awareness and walking out of the shadows of fear into the Son (sun) of Light.  I don’t know all the plans God has for my life, but I’m no longer shrinking back while others shine. We all are called to shine as children of God. My shine doesn’t diminish others, but rather is a beacon to encourage others to step to the forefront of purpose.  I was born to be a solution to a conundrum and it’s my time and it’s my turn to initiate! I’m seizing the good things the unknown has for me. My prayer is for God to help me to acknowledge and accept every blessing and God-opportunity planned for me. Lord, don’t allow my apprehensive nature and fear to drown out your Light. Help me to step boldly into every promise and always give You the glory. It’s my time and it’s my turn!

The Covid-19 Pandemic reaped the harvest of buried seeds sown in my life’s garden. The past four months permitted me down time to soul search and meditate on what’s truly essential and important. Without the rush and hustle of daily life, I was left in the quiet with myself. And although the pandemic began as an unexpected throat-punch, its benefits manifested gradually and unknowingly in several areas:

Finances: revelation of frivolous spending on non-essentials; I paid off three credit cards 

Clutter: examination of what’s a necessity vs. a desire- do I NEED 100 pairs of shoes/dresses; leggings/Crocs have been my daily preferred choice

Relationships: contemplation of what really matters – in the quest for more – will it matter if I don’t have my loved ones to share life with

Peace: observation of how crucial my state of mind is – it is Everything! Hard decisions were a key component to preserve my peace and relieve unnecessary stressors 

Spirituality: affirmation that spirituality is an absolute! With the churches closed, I bore the sole responsibility to cultivate my spiritual growth. I realized that my 3-M goals (3 things I’ve consistently prayed about) wouldn’t provide the joy and fulfillment I believed they would. Without God, the tangible keeps me in the pursuit of longing for more.  My thirst can only be quench with spiritual maturity and growth. 

My pondering of the pandemic’s positive effects brought me to a state of gratitude and thankfulness. I’m not negating the challenges and great loss of lives; however, there was a need to acknowledge the positives results of this time of quarantine: 

The veil of systematic racism has been torn and a movement birthed  

The erection of tables for open conversations and acknowledgements 

The revelations of the true character of those we’d esteemed highly and trusted

These are just a few beneficial results disguised during this time; there are countless more. There is gold in every piece of our life story- sometimes we just have to dig deep to find it. Our limitations aren’t powerful enough to stop the blessings of an All Powerful God!   

On a much needed vacay, I released all responsibilities and obligations. I intentionally unplugged to rest and replenish. I hadn’t recognized the heavy weights I’d carried and the toll it had taken on me.  I hadn’t listened to my inner voice when I needed to say no, but said yes. I continued to accept additional responsibilities and it became my norm for others to heavily rely upon me.  These responsibilities weren’t forced upon me. I accept full accountability for my inability to set boundaries. As a result, I became so overwhelmed with others’ needs that I neglected my own. 

When I arrived, my sister was shocked to see my physical appearance. I looked stressed and worn to the core. She immediately went into Urgent Care for me by insisting I rest and restricting me from any forms of activity that she deemed unnecessary. My sweet sister tendered to my every need generously.  As I regained my sufficiency, I came to some provoking realizations:

Perspective – people view the same situation through the lens of their own experiences (good or bad). I don’t have to agree, but I can respect it (there is always a hidden piece of truth to the story)

Ownership – if it doesn’t belong to me, I don’t have to own it. It’s ok if my support is layered and limited. Recognize what I can and cannot provide. 

Capacity – will this drain me to the point of self neglect? I must know my limitations and boundaries because others don’t. A “no” to them is a “yes” to myself.

Choice – I have a choice and I must choose wisely what I will and won’t accept. I won’t let the dead tell me what the living God said.

Unknown – God is in control; therefore I will rest. The unknown may be the place of great beginnings and where good things happen.

Peace – Relinquishing control maintains my peace. Walk in self-forgiveness because clinging to mistakes and disappointments increases the weight of my load. Let others live with the consequences of the decisions made for their lives  

Hopeful Victory- I am not a victim of the past or current challenges. I will make it; just like I survived 100% of my past challenges 

At the end of the day, God is All Supreme and people are fragile, frail and faulty – me included. Do what you can and give the rest to God!

Most African Americans have experienced various forms of racism, white privilege and/or discrimination. From the disrespectful action of a cashier placing the credit card on the counter instead of placing in a Black hand- to the killing of a young Black woman asleep in her bed. Unfortunately, most African Americans can share multiple experiences of Living While Black… 

I, too, am a multi-recipient of discrimination and racist experiences. My most recent occurred one week prior to the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer.

As part of my preferred ritual, I headed out early to complete tasks and run errands.  I double-checked for my mask, sanitizer and gloves prior to entering the grocery store.  After gathering my groceries, I got in the line to pay.  There were several displays and signs cautioning shoppers to practice social distancing. I was third in line and the cashier asked me to go to a different register, because another cashier was in route to assist. I hesitated because I was unsure when the additional cashier would arrive.

Within seconds, the additional cashier beckons for me to load my items onto the belt for checkout.  The cashier is scanning rapidly and I cannot keep up with her quick movements.  While working feverishly to load the belt, a Caucasian male begins loading his groceries – clearing ignoring the signs indicating six feet distance. I asked politely for him to wait until I’m finished.  He ignores me and continues to load his groceries, although my cart isn’t half emptied.

With my groceries loading slower, the cashier looks up and notices the other customer’s groceries on the belt. She asks him to remove the items, but he ignores her and continues to load. Yelling louder, the cashier asks again. I say, “Sir, please wait until I am finished.” Annoyed, he picks up two items. I move forward, still unloading, and he immediately loads his groceries again. 

By now, I’m fully aware he’s exercising his privilege to do as he pleases. I ask if he can read. This question fuels his disdain and we engage in a loud, heated verbal disagreement. Other customers are bug-eyed as the negative exchanges were hurled. He, then, threatens to harm me physically. Instantly the security door flies open with two White personnel existing rapidly to assist. Instead of assisting me, they kindly open an additional register for him – engaging him in small talk and laughs as if the threats never occurred.  The mute cashier never looks me in the eye as I pay the bill and exit.  

Loading the groceries into my car, the man exists the store and drives to my car. With one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding an object, he threatened, “I told you I was gonna get you. What do you have to say now, you fat, ghetto N-Word?” I’m certain he had a gun and fully intended to use it, as he looked around the parking lot for eye witnesses. I immediately regretted not bringing the gun (in hindsight, it was for the best). 

As a St. Louis City native, my buried thug-like tendencies resurrected immediately.  My blood boiled as the racial slurs rolled off his tongue.  I engaged and hurled heated insults back at him. He suddenly notices two occupied parked cars next to me and speeds off the lot.  Hot tears of rage, hurt and fear flow as I stumbled to the front seat.

No matter how many times I’m called the N-Word, it still carries the same hard pain and deep hurt.  As I sat in the car, I fully grasp the painful truth: everyday there’s a chance I could become the next hashtag by “Living While Black”. 

Many Caucasians asked the question: 

“What can we do to help? or What do you need from me?”

In an effect to simplify a very complicated and complex answer, I requested permission from Pastor David Hawkins, Living the Word Church,  to use his Sunday Morning Sermon as a guide to provide answers to these questions. 

My motive is simply to help those who sincerely want to know. The information provided by Pastor Hawkins was profound and thought provoking.  In 8 short minutes he was able to provide a condensed list of responses African Americans need and don’t need from Caucasian. 

Understanding the time and focus it takes to read a book, I compiled Pastor Hawkins’ list and provided a video link below.  Will you take 8 minutes of your time to listen? George Floyd was in a knee choke-hold longer than the video.  I believe this captures what we want to say and provides beneficial insight to you. 

“What We Need and Don’t Need from Caucasians:”

Responses We Need

1. Listen with unadulterated thoughts – be open to hear truth without bias or defense
2. Exercise your voice to shut down the conversations or acts of disparagement against African Americans 
3. Be intentional about inclusion – not to meet a quota – but to include African Americans at the tables of power and decision-making for the greater cause
4. Take Action – don’t be silent and outrage – Use your power to do something!
5. Advocate intentional hiring and job promotion. Place qualified African Americans in positions of power. Instead of requiring candidates to overly prove the value and worth they bring to the table – give equity and equality; this provides an opportunity to empower African American communities

Responses We DON’T Need

1. “I have a Black friend.” Having black friends doesn’t disqualify you from having racist views. Your Black friend is not an absolution to the problem of racism
2. An unity candle vigil with the hidden motive of a photo opp. We need real dialogue for change
3. “Let’s wait for the full report.” This translates to “Guilty until proven Innocent.” It defends and justifies the wrongful acts of the offender 
4. Discovering a statement or video of ONE Black person refuting the injustice of the matter. One Black voice doesn’t nullify the millions of other voices crying injustice. Don’t create a place for denial, excuses and withdrawal from the truth.
5.  “They had a history or criminal record.” Who doesn’t? It’s totally absurd to believe African Americans should have a perfect record or history in order for you to see the injustice. How would you feel if the mistakes you made, became the basis for abuse and mistreatment of you for the rest of your life?   
6. “I want all of this to go away.” So do we. We are tired: emotionally, physically and mentally. Welcome to the 365/24/7 days of Black lives
7. “It was ONE bad officer.” It’s not just once incident; this a a recurring reality. We aren’t ant-police, we’re anti-police unlawfulness and brutality. In life, there are certain industries that simple CANNOT have bad apples: the police force is one of them. Let’s not defend the actions of wrong- hold them accountable to the same laws and prosecute the injustice. 

Thank you for taking time to ask the hard questions and read what we need from you. We simply want to be valued, respected and treated equally.  

The Declaration of Independence boldly claims: 

All men are created EQUAL and are endowed by the Creator with certain unalienable rights. LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE FAIR PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…

Click here for the video from Pastor David Hawkins

In light of the 2 pandemics hitting the African American people: Racism and Covid-19 

I have NO words, no slumber… just tears of RAGE, SADNESS & FEAR!!! God help us!

#daviddorn #georgefloyd #ahmaudarbery #breonnataylor #michaelbrown