During a recent Zoom Meeting, the host played a video. Initially, excitement filled my thoughts; however, the more the video played, the more anxiety I experienced. By the end, I was overcome with emotions of terror and sadness. The video components triggered a past traumatic experience I thought I was over. Throughout the remainder of the meeting, I was unable to fully engage: fear had captured my focus. It felt like a past cycle was repeating and unfolding. It looked the same, felt the same and it transported back to me the original tragedy.

Frozen in a time capsule, emotions overwhelmed me and I cried uncontrollably, unable to speak coherently or breathe. I couldn’t process the tsunami of emotions and dread gripped my heart fist-tight. “Did I fall for it again? Was the same thing about to happen?”  Everyone was smiling… but I succumbed to the wave of emotions and allowed them to take me under. 

Unable to rebound, I reached out to wise counsel.  They advised me to unpack the weighted bags of past because I couldn’t move forward weighted down. But, how could I let go? “My” bags carried sentimental value for the erected images of my past. With patience and love, my advisor helped me to unload a few bags. I reminisced of past good times and smiled. As I continued to unpacked, my smile faded and tears of pain and heartbreak gushed. I felt like a betrayer while sharing the confidential secrets of my bags’ contents.  I’d held these erected images dear to my heart for so long, how could I betray my loyalty to “my” bags?

My advisor clarified the loyalty I owed was to my FUTURE SELF. Finally, I released and purged my soul, but apprehension loomed: how could I trust I wasn’t repeating the same tragic cycle? My confidant reminded me character and integrity makes the difference in the foundation of each experience. Was it fair to make a judgement based on the exterior package? Was I going to allow my future to suffer from my past or would I give “the new” a chance to prove worthy of my trust? The lease expired and the rental space of my past traumas required eviction from my heart, mind and emotions!

Romans 13:8 states, “Owe nothing to anyone, but love…” I’m grateful for the lessons of my past, but I owe NO loyalty to it. My future is NOT indebted to past traumas, mistakes or toxic people. We have parted ways in love and distance.

I simply can’t soar weighted down, so in the words of Erykah Badu, “Pack Light!”